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Todd Widdicombe

My Time

Todd’s Tales

Todd Widdicombe has got something to say about commonplace cliches.

The English language is a ripper.

For example, I’ve just discovered that a dog named Ralph can almost say his own name.

You’re repeating it now, right? Ralph, Ralph. However, there are certain famous old sayings that are nuttier than a Snickers bar and need to have a good, long, hard look at themselves.

Sayings that have been around since the dawn of time but just like the last Transformers movie don’t make any sense, and suck.

Let’s start with “no use crying over spilt milk”. Yep, we’ve all heard it before.

Some of us have even said it, but it’s wrong people, wrong. Sure you say there’s no use crying over spilt milk, but what if it’s the last milk on earth and there’s no more for your brekkie coffee and even worse what if it’s Bonsoy? That stuff’s hell expensive!

“Believe you me.” What? That’s loco.

If I’m telling you a crazy fact why would I say “believe you me”? Surely if I’m the one spinning the yarn it should be “believe me, you”. How hard is it seriously?

“Time to fight fire with fire.” What was that? I’m pretty sure the experts use water.

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” No, no, no. A bird in the hand is worthless.

Try paying for a schooner at your local with a bird in the hand and they’ll call the cops.

“Laughter is the best medicine.” Not if you’ve got herpes. Nobody’s laughing then.

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” This is preposterous.

ALWAYS look a gift horse in the mouth – the ancient city of Troy was literally burned to the ground by not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Have we learned nothing from history?

While I’m at it with our equine friends, what about “straight from the horse’s mouth”? What does this even mean?

What, are horses some sort of almighty beacon of truth? No they’re liars who’ll say anything for a carrot and a cube of sugar. Horses are not to be trusted people.

“I’m head over heels for her.” That makes no sense at all. We are all head over heels all the time.

Except when we are sitting down – then we are head over groin – or when we are lying down. Head over heels indeed. It’s more a somersault than a saying.

“Needless to say.” What was that? If it’s needless to say then why say it at all? It’s the saying that cancels itself out completely.

It’s needless to say, it is without need, there is no need, so why say it?

And that classic saying that every school teacher I’ve ever had said – “the early bird gets the worm”. Not sure that one has ever been scientifically proven.

Sure you’d assume there’s a veritable smorgasbord of worms early in the morning, but let’s be honest, that early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.

You might say the “early bird gets the worm” but I say “the second mouse gets the cheese”. Always.

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