In a true testament to what an unmade bed I am, I will be outlining my very loose, half-baked, small resolutions I may attempt for a few months this year. Some people are determined when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. I am not one of these people. In fact, I am pretty sure devising a list of dodgy resolutions as late as February disqualifies me before I even start.
Now, losing credit card debt and weight are both givens. Every girl knows that. But let’s push on!
Number one: I am going to learn how to floss. My dentist will be excited if he reads this column, but I actually refer to the dance craze that swept the world last year. It is deceptively tricky despite the fact my four-year-old can do it.
Number two: I am going to buy some of those stainless steel straws. I actually do not even know what material they are made from, but they could very well be whipped up from rainbow coloured unicorn hair, because they are so damn hard to find when you need a straw.
I know straws are killing our world. It is just that I really miss them. I didn’t think they would just up and leave from everywhere. My uber-trendy friend snapped at me when I told her I secretly miss the past abundance of straws. I was not ready to break up with Mr Straw. I know it was him not me. He was full of toxicity and just wanted one night stands all the time. But still, the struggle is real. My girlfriend very simply stated, “Well, world polluter, just go buy five of the steel ones and have them in your handbag, in your car, at home and at work. You can buy them everywhere, including Kmart, and they come with a cleaning straw.” I am not quite sure how I missed these straws. I have clearly let myself go this summer, in more ways than one.
Number three: to perfect buying the perfect avocado. Do you know how tricky this is to do? They are either too expensive or rock hard. I wait for days hoping they will soften. I let the little bludgers lie on my kitchen bench and wrap them up in warm little paper packets at night. I talk to them and hold them every day and whisper to them that they can ripen if they try really hard so I do not have to spend $20 at the cafe on smashed avocado on sourdough. And those lazy little stubborn things betray me every time and turn within a few hours from hard as a brick to brown and rotten.
Well, good luck with your list of goals for the year: may we all make it one day at a time.