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No-grow zone

Sami Muirhead is no gardener – just ask the dead fern on her kitchen bench. But she has other talents, she thinks.

“No one can kill a maidenhair fern, trust me!” promised my green-thumb friend, Tiffany. Well, Tiff, I did manage to murder my maidenhair and it now sits dead staring at me to remind me of how useless I really can be at times.

Who kills the unkillable plant? Me!

My grandmother used to have a maidenhair in her kitchen and I thought it was time for me to follow in my family’s fertile footsteps. Apparently not. The plant quickly lost its lustre and turned brown and in doing so put a rude stop to my supposed glorious entry to being a gardening genius. So, Tiffany promptly gifted me a succulent with the promise it was truly bulletproof.

It needed first aid and died.

My peace lilies wilted and looked far from peaceful. Aloe vera seems allergic to my touch. Even the common mother-in-law’s tongue is impossible for me to nurture. Alas, I garden as well as I cook and drive. Very badly.

Luckily I am excellent at spending money, hoarding all sorts of treasures and making cheese platters. This sums up the grand total of my skill set in life. Limited. What a lucky husband I have indeed.

I always tell him he married the wrong sister as my older sibling is a catch who can run a marathon in the morning and cook a gourmet three-course dinner for a dozen people that afternoon. I kid you not.

My older sister also does not have the terrible disease where you melt your credit card by buying way too many clothes and cushions. Because my motto in life is you cannot have too many clothes or cushions! Or cheese platters!

Anyway, on we push with getting on with life and using the talents we have, or in some cases have not, been given. And my latest gift from Tiffany, I am pleased to share with you, is a tiny plastic green plant for my kitchen bench.

Thanks. I think.


Sami Muirhead is a radio announcer, blogger and commentator. For more from Sami tune into Mix FM.

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