It has been a big week of sickness in our home that resulted in me getting urine in my handbag and swallowing a dog worming tablet.
I am not sure I should be confessing all of this but here goes. I had the classic signs of COVID but also sore kidneys and recent problems with a blood infection so off I toddled to the doctor feeling miserable. He was most unimpressed I had come to the medical centre at all – he did not want to catch COVID as he was going overseas later that week.
This baffled me but I pushed forward and went to the toilet to do a urine sample. Sorry for over-sharing. Anyway, I was so unprepared for this and the toilet had a dodgy lock so I was feeling very nervous about the whole gross situation when my hand touched the inner bowl of the toilet. Gag. Vomit. Game over.
I started doing wild hand gesticulations and dry retching. I raced to the vanity where the soap pumper was empty. Convinced I had contracted tetanus, typhoid and the plague from touching a toilet bowl at a medical centre I threw the specimen jar in the plastic bag and popped it in my prized possession, my white Gucci handbag, to hide it from patients at reception.
I walked to reception to find the tiny jar had leaked and there was wee all through my white leather handbag. I needed to take 10 deep breaths to process it all. I am not sure what the poor lady working there thought. I had to go back to the crime scene and repeat the process.
I went home exhausted and scooped my antibiotics out of a bowl on the kitchen bench and swallowed one tablet before realising it was a dog worming tablet. I just took myself to bed and pulled the covers over my head. Turns out I did not have covid (I would like it over and done with, to be honest) and I am on the mend. A few things have come from this disaster. I will never return to that medical centre again. And the Gucci bag has been renamed the GuccWee.
